Civilised world 'forgives' VaticanHey, that's just how civilised we are
Reacting swiftly to the Vatican's speedy forgiveness of long-dead English rock star John Lennon, the civilised world has announced that the Vatican has been forgiven for its playful persecution and murder of billions over the last two millennia.
The Vatican, often accused of living in the past, today announced that loveable mop-top Lennon was only having a laugh when he remarked 42 years ago that The Beatles were more popular than Jesus.
While most of the civilised world instantly recognised that Lennon was using strange, sophisticated and eldritch forms of humour unknown to octagenarian celibates and American fundamentalists, the Vatican stuck by its guns and insisted that the musician should be burnt at the stake, shot, burned at the stake again and damned in the fires of hell for all eternity.
Skating over the death, destruction, persecution, abuse, murder and tasteless purpleness that the Catholic faith has imposed on the world for the 1,988 years since a 30 year old Jewish mop-top announced that it would be a jolly good idea if people started being nice to one another, rather than cutting their heads off and/or feeding them to the lions, the civilised world today finally spoke out.
"We realise that we may have misrepresented the Catholic Church by accusing them of being murderous bastards and child molesters for the best part of 2,000 years," said the world earlier today. "However, we now acknowledge the force for good that the Church has been in the intervening millennia.
"Combining excellent sponge cakes, floral arrangements, irrational guilt, homemade jam, and a cleansing, albeit fiery, attitude to witchcraft, the Church has played a major role in making billions more miserable. Adding to this the organisation's unblinking support of global forces for good such as Nazi Germany and Robert Mugabe's Zimbabwe, we now recognise that our criticisms were totally unfounded.
"The world now accepts that a youthful Vatican was merely 'showing off' when its vibrant young spokesperson accused the Beatles of blasphemy. Who could possibly criticise an innocent, loveable, doe-eyed, 185-year old celibate paedophile for inadvertently showing off to an adoring public?" added the world.
It is now widely accepted that the Catholic Church combines a 'unique and strange alchemy of sounds and words' in its belief that everyone is basically horrible and deserves to suffer for all eternity for copying their homework or not eating their vegetables.
Thought for the Day:
If you can't beat them, you obviously need a bigger stick.